When Shy People Reproduce

As long as I can remember, I’ve been shy. And for just about as long, I have wanted to be a mom. When the children came into my life, I found out that motherhood brings special burdens to people who are shy. Having children means having their friends around, their friends’ parents, sports coaches and teammates, teachers, and all the multitude of linkages that children collect around them.

Think about it. Your basic stance toward the world is “hide and retreat,” but you have to stand up for your kids. Every time. You need solitude, but there are always people around, little people, big people…

My four children are grown now, two are married, and there are three beautiful grandchildren to love. I have the greatest respect for each of my kids; they are unique individuals and such a joy to know as adults, though sometimes I miss the days of cuddling on the couch with a good book or discovering a weird insect together in the yard.

I learned so much during the thirty-plus years of raising them. (There is a span of 16 years between the oldest and the youngest—an extended time of active parenting.) I never got over being shy, though. Recently I found a book that made me feel a lot better about what I perceived as my “handicap” in social interaction: The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney. Understanding that the brains of introverts are wired differently from the brains of extroverts made a lot of things click into place. Reading about other people who suffered the same unease in social situations, yet still had very productive and exciting lives, gave me one of those “aha” moments that put things into perspective.

It also gave me a sense of mission. I know there are other moms out there who love their children deeply, and struggle every day with feeling shy and hopelessly overwhelmed by the social demands that come in the same package with the kids. There are introverts trying to stay sane while little people talk, talk, talk to them all day long. There are hermits hosting birthday parties for 12-year-olds. There are shrinking violets attending parent-teacher conferences. To you I say, don’t lose heart. If I could do it, so can you! Along the way, I learned many ways to cope that I hope to share in this blog. (And I welcome the ideas of other shy moms who want to share as well!)